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Wednesday, September 16th, 2009
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We said goodbye in a room with pink walls
And a furnace disrupting the good book being read
With the scent of must and a look of yesteryear
Your remains kept contained before we put them to rest
On my knees I looked at your picture
In front of a cross that its meaning I'm unsure of
A man dressed in black with a mark on his collar
Said you were going back home now, and not to feel somber
Everyone sang 'hallelujah low and out of tune
And spoke about names and pages I never knew
I saw my grandmother cry for the very first time
And at that moment she turned and her eyes met with mine.
I could only smile without showing my teeth
More relaxed and understanding
As I sat and hoped it helped her sad heart
I put my head back down to stare at my feet
Then at that moment I talked in my head with hopes she would hear
"Aunty P, I'm sorry the end of your life brought you so much pain.
So I'm happy you're free now and can walk straight again"
And as everyone prayed I looked at the cross and thought
"I'm sorry I can't cry like them, I'm sorry I don't cry like them"
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The truth is
I miss the smell of your hallway
And the way the pictures on the wall
Were just hanging from a thread
I was in one of them
It was more than enough
The truth is
I miss the smell of your apartment
As it welcomed me to your beautiful face
And our beautiful little girl that makes me heart race
Even with your open and always forgiven arms
You never understood how hard some days were
But I would never tell you
The truth is
I miss your kiss
And the way it felt the same if you meant it or not
Because deep down I knew you loved me
The truth is
I miss the smell of your sheets
The sweat and your body heat
You know I never got a full nights sleep
But I would never tell you
The truth is
I miss your neck on my arm
Because I knew somewhere in your dreams you loved me
And as the morning came we'd hear her voice
The truth is
I miss that face
The morning face you "never make"
The truth is
I miss your your hand in mine
Not for everyone to see but for peace of mind
You were never a trophy
You were never a 'need
You were everything I wanted to help make me..
Me
The truth is
For the first time
My heart is broken
The hardest thing i've ever had to say
Is i'll miss the way things were
Because the truth is
We'll never be that way again
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We are all sufferers of love
Waiting for the rains to come
Hoping they flood away the pain
Some stable, some not safe to say
But we're all wishing death would call, would scream out each and every name
So here I am praying for the rains to come
Hoping they flood away the pain
We are all like specs of dust that happen to collect in the same shining ray of sun
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I wont always be there when you feel alone
But I swear you're the silence between every breath in my chest
You keep me alive
Let the waves carry you tonight
Just call on me
And this space in between will just burt itself in every moment that I wish I was by your side
I sing myself songs to sleep
Because you're on my mind
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Sunday, January 25th, 2009
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She holds the ground
And still she doesn't know about me
All i've seen
This person I'm suppose to be
So fall asleep tonight
And wake up to a warmer shade of white
I will see you soon
Just hold on....hold on
Even if it took all night
I'll still find these words for you
Scattered on the way back home
With these arms around you
We've been holding back
Everyday is the same..we wait
If we built it up to watch it fall
We'll build this up and watch it fall again
I've never seen a sign of your need of love for me
But I know its burning
And I know you've seen
Mothers and fathers who once built one body
Now lie in separate cemeteries
How could you ever want this life, to do this on your own
Its all you've seen
How could you ever love someone and watch them walk alone
With these arms around you
We've been holding back
Everyday is the same..we wait
If we built it up to watch it fall
We'll build this up and watch it fall again
Watch it fall again
So feed while streets crack cold and sleep
So hollow,So shallow
She holds the ground and still she doesn't know about me, and all that i've seen
(So believe)
How could you ever want this life, to do this on your own
(So believe)
How could you ever love someone and watch them walk alone
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Saturday, January 10th, 2009
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If you're reading this, it means I actually worked up the courage to mail it so good for me.
You don’t know me very well
But if you get me started I tend to go on and on about how hard the writing is for me.
This is the hardest thing I ever had to write.
There no easy way to say this so I’ll just say it, I met someone.
It was an accident, I wasn’t looking for it, it was a perfect storm.
She said one thing and I said another
Then the next thing I knew
I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation.
Now there this feeling in my gut that she might be the one.
She is completely nuts in a way that makes me smile highly neurotic,
A great deal of maintenance acquired.
She is you, that’s the good news.
The bad news is that I don't know how to be with you right now
And that scares the shit out of me.
Because if I am not with you right now I have this feeling we will get lost out there.
It’s a big bad world full or twist and turns
And people have a way of blinking and missing the moment.
The moment that could of changed everything.
I don’t know what’s going on with us
And I can’t say you should waste a leap of faith on the likes of me.
But damn you smell good, like home.
And you make excellent coffee, that has to count for something.
Call me.
Unfaithfully yours
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Monday, January 5th, 2009
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I know we've been a lot
But the truth is I would scrape these walls by hand
..to see the color that they used to be again
Even it took all night
Sometimes it can take all night
A nice shade of white
..I think that would be nice
I hope you sleep alright tonight
And wake up to this shade of white
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Thursday, December 11th, 2008
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Tuesday, November 4th, 2008
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Now look, we've made a fool out of love
When all we want is to be enough
When all we want is to feel enough
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Racing on a faultline
Bracing for a landslide
Conscious of everything getting harder
As the race goes underwater
I keep stalling out
I just can't keep up
There's alarming doubt
Am I good enough?
But you keep coming around
to convince me
It's still far from over
We are still far
We are still far
Are we are still far from over
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Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
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So I've been sleeping with this silence in my mind
And all I see scares me
And no one knows it, but she, she saved me
So I've been sleeping with this silence in my brain
Awakening here everyday in this god damn place
I won't wait here anymore
It's still not quite the way it was
But you promised me this is love to stay
Watch the hospital that's
Just across the street
From your apartment balcony
I'll never ever leave there
I'll never leave
Oh, no one is watching now
Sing like you just might drown
But always come back here
'Cause I never got to see you once more, no
I guess that's all I wanted
Yeah, I guess that's all I needed
Now look, you've made a fool out of love
When all we want is to be enough
When all we want is to feel enough
It's still not quite the way it was
But you promised me this is love to stay
Watch the hospital that's just across the street
From your apartment balcony
I'll never ever leave there
I'll never leave
Watch the hospital that's just across the street
I'll never ever leave there
I'll stay
All I want is to be enough
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Wednesday, January 9th, 2008
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I love how you curse when I wake you up
And sweetly demand that I fill your cup.
I follow your cool gun powder glare
Honey, you lay me bare.
You're the girl of my dreams
And a pistol it seems, but you shoot me straight and true
Time to lay down my bets,
Oh, I put all my money on you.
When I'm in the dark, girl, you bring me to light.
It seems like you're almost always right.
So keep boxing my ears when I sew them shut.
Baby, you sure are tough.
You're the girl of my dreams
And a pistol it seems, but you shoot me straight and true
Time to lay down my fears,
Honey, I feel so safe around you.
If the tiller man taught me anything,
It's that a hard-headed woman is what I need
To help me to always do my best.
Baby, my life is blessed.
You're the girl of my dreams
Darling, please wear this ring
You're an angel through and through.
Time to lay down my life,
Honey, I'd do it gladly for you.
Time to lay down my life,
Honey, I'd do it gladly for you
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I have to admit i'm pretty confused at the moment. Everything I thought I was moving my life towards has pretty much turned to complete shit. So why stay? I finally have a "career" and I always thought this was what I wanted, but I think it was just what I wanted for us. Or maybe I never thought an opportunity like this would come knocking at my door. A chance to leave, at least for a while. Spending the fall in LA writing and recording. Life on the road in a bus, not a shitty van. But is this what I want? I have NO fucking clue. Could I be happy in a radio pop band opening for acts like Avril Lavigne? I don't know. I guess the best thing I could come up with is..everything i'm doing today is completely different than what I thought I would be doing if you asked me 2-3 years ago. Everything I thought would last and made me happy then...failed. So why not just fucking do it? Life will work itself out. Why does this have to be the rest of my life? Why do I need to give a fuck about the future. What good has it done me up to this point? Ughh. If anyone hears a cover of Morrisey's "Everyday is like sunday" on the radio next month let me know. I'll be here saying "shit I should have just done it"
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I tell myself not to look
So I look
I tell myself not to care
And I care
I tell myself its ok
But its not ok
Because it broke my heart
I broke my heart?
You broke my heart?
Either way it breaks my heart
As much today as it did the first
Yeah
And on these rainy days
Yeah
On these rainy days i'll just listen to her laugh
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Of all the things i'll never know
It hurts the most to watch you grow
So big, so beautiful
I know you'll never ever know
How much i'd love to tell you that you're beautiful
And to watch you grow
Not like the way I do now
I watch you grow so far away from me
Hey little girl its an ugly world
And never before have I put a wish in gods hand
But I pray every night to keep you safe
And to keep that smile big
So big, so beautiful
The same month that you came to be
This tough world took a life from me
And i'll keep you both so close to me
He's my angel
You're my heart
And I hope someway he'll save a place
In the back of your mind
My voice, my face
Just so I know you dont forget me
I want to stay
I want to change the way things are
But they have to stay
They have to be this way
So keep that smile big
And keep your mother proud
That way i'm never leaving
That way my heart keeps beating
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oh come on, we both know you can do better than the same shit twice
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You make it so easy to run
well I'm still crawling
I'm still crawling.
Now I'm game for the feeding chain
and they're still scraping, they're still crawling.
Taking measures to see myself , but I seem to forfeit all my findings,
it's not easy to take these steps or to fake these breaths but urge is blinding.
And you can deny this, but I won't let you
and you can defy this, it's not beneath you,
and we can try this, but were we meant to,
and this will divide us, and then we'll be through.
I found you with him.
Found out about everything,
And you can deny this all you want
But you cant pretend that you weren't caught.
This is more than you and me
this is about being deceived.
I thought you'd leave me next to nothing
but now your leaving me much less.
leaving me much less
And I will get through this until justice prevails.
And I gave you this for nothingness and lies.
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Saturday, June 23rd, 2007
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I had a dream last night that you called me and said you were going to come to the 4th of July cookout. So the first thing I did this morning was check my phone. I miss you, I wish you could really come. I'm going to go see you soon, hopefully today. Keep looking over me man, I really need your strength right now.
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